Wednesday, September 2, 2009

There's a FROG in my throat

Today was tough - tougher than I though. Was that enough Ts for you? My good morning chat with the family was over a breakfast that I couldn't eat because of my "do not eat or drink" order for my CT scan at 11:30am today. The conversation consisted of everything from freezing eggs to my oncology appointment tomorrow. What a wake up call.

My scan went well. Period. After some more needle sticks, they pushed some contrast into my veins to take the scan - OUCH - the needle drove into my arm and I winced with tears dripping down my face. Afterwards, they wrapped my arm in a cool purple band; at least it matched my shirt. Fashion still matters - it makes you feel a little bit better :) Dr. Dashing, his dad, and my dad were in the waiting room. I think Dashing was holding his breath the whole time as this scan would be the beginning of identifying how bad the cancer is right now. I was lucky enough to then have Dashing's dad work a little physician magic and immediately scoot in with the radiologist to get a quick pre-write up look. Dashing got to go too. They came back blank slates. Dashing explained that it looks like it is contained to my chest cavity (which is great!), but this isn't for sure. My one large mass, however, is much bigger than he had expected, he said. I guess it's about the size of an adult man's fist. WHAT? That's in my neck/chest area? How does that even fit in there! Apparently, this kind of cancer just pushes other things aside to make room - what squatters!

The rest of the day has been hard. More conversations that are heavy, serious, and things I didn't think I'd be talking about this week at all. I feel like I constantly have a frog in my throat, always wondering what is going to come up next. I sometimes even freak myself out thinking it's the tumor growing up through my neck pressing on my esophagus. [Bad Sara Cate, get those thoughts out!] It's hard to think about, talk about, and I am shedding tears at the mention of the C word - that's cancer. I'm an emotional wreck holding it together. What's just as bad is as I'm on the phone sharing this news with distant friends, my ATT service drops my calls. Over and over and over again. I'm like "so, they've told me I have lym......." CALL DROPPED. What! We're both crying. I'm telling someone I love I have cancer and you're going to drop my call. I am really thinking about flushing my pretty iPhone down the toilet.

I'm off to break the news to some of my in-town girlfriends. Wish me luck as this is not an easy thing to bring up with anyone. I'm sure this will involve many tears and hugs. I'm determined to beat this though - watch out cancer. I'm here to stay.

My distant and close friends and family that know have been so supportive sending thoughtful texts, flowers, voicemails, emails, comments.....THANK YOU. These seem like little things, but I promise you that they make my day brighter (tears are running down my cheek as I write this part). I thank God every day that you are all in my life.

Ribbit, ribbit....dang it! That frog is still here. (crying more)

10 comments :

Josie said...

Sara...I am personally going to give AT & T and the frog a piece of my mind!!! You continue to be amazing and I know will live to tell this as a way back when story...hang in there love! I hope you had a nice time with your friends tonight. Love you!

Meredith said...

Thinking of you this morning. Love you Sara! Sending lots of hugs and frog killers your way :)

AshK said...

Sara, you are one of the strongest women I know! You'll kick cancer's ass and then we will celebrate it with a seriously fun remedy of dance offs and lots of wine at our next reunion! love you to pieces!

short southern momma said...

Oh my gosh girl!! Hang in there! Sending a big hug your way! = )

Sweet Simplicity said...

I'm loving your honesty and positive attitude. Have I ever told you how much I love your name, Sara Cate?? I love two names! thinking about you.

Shari Malone said...

What to say!!! From one "BIG C" survivor to definitely another...I send many hugs. Wish I could be there with you at the times it's the hardest. But you're strong, young, determined and spirited. Just do whatever they recommend that you can tolerate and you'll beat it! On September 9th it will be 10 years since I had my surgery and you can believe I'm still kickin'...mighty high!! Love you...Shari

Trac~ said...

Sara - stay strong - you CAN beat this thing - you are young and have your entire life ahead of you - Sending a lot of hugs and prayers to you and your family. Much love, Trac~ :o)

Miss E said...

Sending you love and strength. You're amazing. Love you.

d.a.r. said...

You are so strong and amazing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara, this is Michelle, Casey's cousin, I just got off the phone with my Aunt Barb and wanted to drop you a note to say your Chicago family is thinking and praying for you! I love your blog, your humour and honesty... Kill the frog and get better and come out with Casey and see us again next summer!!! I'll be in touch and looking forward to good news and your updates.
Love,
Michelle

 

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